As I struggle to do my taxes, among yet another brutal week of treatment, my credit card transactions tell me something very clear that I pretend doesn’t exist. The transactions read: Doctor, doctor, supplements, doctor, supplements, and so on… 3 years ago it read: My favorite bar, a new restaurant, clothes, crossfit classes, 5k registration… Its not only that my life has become all about my health, its that there is no friendship in my transactions.
Almost ever previous transaction was a socialization with friends. We went to other countries, we worked out together, we tried new foods. I had 2 expenses on my credit cards for dining out with friends for the YEAR. Loosing the people I thought would be my friends forever has been something I try to forget about constantly but it never stays hidden. I don’t consider myself a sick person or a spoonie but as I look over my credit card statements I have nothing to disagree with that labeling.
I very much consider a friendship a two way street and I’m sure some of the burden falls on me. I am not a perfect friend. I just thought my friends would be there for me when I needed them.
At this point, my friends are 90% people who share my illness. They are the ones who understand the suffering without saying it, the ones who let me cancel plans without an interrogation, who understand why I am broke and struggling, because they unfortunately get it because they live it too.
When I sit pondering how to raise awareness for Lyme Disease, I’m at such a loss because even my friends don’t care. How am I supposed to rally strangers if I can’t even rally those who were my friends? I have no doubt I will return to an at least functional level one day but I frequently worry about what my friendships will be like. There’s no logic in returning to friendships that weren’t there for you but how do you find the ride or die friends? I feel that having all friends who are struggling with Lyme gives you a narrowed view but at the same time how do you pretend to be normal when you arnt? How do you explain what you have been through without looks of pity or disregard?
As I finish counting transactions, the answer is still the same, that I have no idea how to maintain relationships with friends through Lyme. Honesty is scary and faking it is insincere. All I can hope for at this point is that my awareness efforts will some day make a big enough impact to be understood in the way cancer and HIV is now. If they can do it, I can do it. And, no my taxes still are not finished.