Pleasantly faking it

Social media is all about highlighting the moments of your life that are working. However, I still want to be honest and show that Lyme Disease is a awful disease. I’m very frequently torn between putting on a good face and showing how frustrating it actually is. This week has been the hardest ones for a bit now and what is posted is a happy photo.

First I caught a cold that I tried to muscle through, then I started herxing from my cold remedies, and thats when things got ugly. I woke up in one of those anxiety binds where your brain tells you that sitting up or moving 2inches will be the death of you. Most of the morning I spent in ball, only to get up for detoxers. The grip slowly wore off until I remembered an errand that could not be put off and I wound back up. My boyfriend got me through my errand, an issue that would have been a mini disaster without his help so when he ordered pizza later I offered to get it since I didn’t feel like my chest was being slowly crushed anymore.

At the pizza place, they are rude, they don’t have his order, then they do, then they make me wait. As I paced the foyer, I started winding back into my anxiety ball. After 15 minutes I left with the pizza, which I would find out later was the wrong order. I got in the car and cried till I got home because I was so tired of every second of this day being so hard. I had very little control over how I felt, which is one of the things I find hardest to accept about Lyme. I never had anxiety before. I don’t have anxiety. I have Lyme which gives me anxiety.

Another layer of this frustration is that I believed when I finished my antibiotics from Jemsek, I should be mostly better. Ending antibiotics and switching to herbs has proved to me that this is far from the truth. My herxing has been hugely neurological, telling me that the antibiotics did a really poor job getting the bacteria out of my brain. I’m excited to get home for Christmas because there awaits a new stress herbal blend from my favorite herb master. I have high hopes that this will be a tool I can use to fully suppress the unnecessary anxiety. If it wasn’t for the set of herbs I already had in hand today, I would have probably never left my bed.

I went through a fairly miserable day and there is no record of it till now because I don’t know how you show that and still want to be someone others spend time with. 95% of my pre-Lyme friends are gone. My Lyme friends suffer with the same issues and worse so there’s no reason to complain to them. They get it. Drawing the line between honesty and presenting the person you want to be is an issue that I struggled with before Lyme and even more now. No one could air all of their issues all the time or else they would have no friends but where do you cross into faking it?

Pleasantly faking it

All work, zero play

For the past few weeks, it has been rare for me to be more than a few feet from my computer. The amount of work for Lyme Warrior seems to have multiplied over night. I’m struggling to squeeze in my jobs that pay for my treatment.

I usually start my day by pulling my phone out from under my pillow and catching up on anything I’ve missed while sleeping, then to breakfast and I usually work through the rest of the day until 10/11pm only breaking for meals and to let the dog out. Does the 10 minute drive to the post office to drop off orders count as a break? It does to me.

I absolutely know I’m overworking myself but there is so much that needs to be done its been hard to stop. When I take a LW break I then remember my other job tasks I have to do. If only I got paid for my LW hours I would be rolling in it!

I am extremely happy I have been making so much progress with my health. I’m doing short drives, I’m on my feet more…. the downside is I believe I got re-infected recently. I was walking outside and a monster of a horsefly bit me. I wouldn’t have thought much of it except for the red circle that lingered around it for a week. I’ve upped my herbs and gotten back on pulsed antibiotics to combat it. I’m not concerned about it, just not loving the extra herxing from trying to kill the new infection.

Other than that life is just work. Work enough to pay for herbs, try not to fall behind on all the things I need to do to make Lyme Warrior make real change, and try to maintain my sanity in my isolation. I’m very much looking forward to the holiday to be with my family and to hopefully peel myself away from the computer. It may not be ideal but sometimes you just have to put your nose to the grindstone to make things happen.



All work, zero play